are we enough?

Yes. That is a rather big inquiry for this chilly afternoon in November.


As I have gone through my day, my lists and my loose ends I can feel myself getting a little down. I love to be positive but the battle in my mind at times remains. It would seem the busier I get the more confused I become. A completely sane person would feel accomplished! But not Manda. Instead all I can think of are future tasks, what I have neglected or what I need to change.

Please understand I have a very active mind. The dialogue in my head never rests and considering this is the most intimate of conversations we have (the ones with ourselves) this can either be sacred or destructive. Even though I have gotten better at filtering the negative words that flow through, there are still moments like today where I question who and what I want to be. I get confused with my photography because I want to be the best me possible, and at the same time do everything right.

Time for a little pick me up~ a little inspiration.

If you have never stopped to listen to the conversations in your head… you should. I have heard mine, and many times it’s broken my heart. It has taken me a very long time to get to a point where I can turn the volume down, or if I’m lucky, change the music.

Today I think we should encourage each other to treat ourselves with love. Fill our hearts and head with loving words and self- kindness. We are all worthy of what we dream for, we are enough.

The photos below were taken with my new lens and new camera! I have been waiting f.o.r.e.v.e.r. for my new equipment and I couldn’t be more positive about what’s to come!

tgif.

My mind is creatively locked. Every have one of those ridiculous dreams where you wake up in school and your still in your pajamas? Or naked? Well… lately that has been me. I fear I might still be in my pajamas. Or worse, naked.


Ok, well since I am lacking in the creative field… I think I will tell you 6 things you don’t know about me. Even if you know me, you may not know this!

So here we go:

1. If I was given a billion dollars right this second- I would drop whatever I am doing… and I mean WHATEVER and catch the next plane to New York and buy the exact apartment that Carrie and Mr. Big bought in SATC…I am OBSESSED with the closet!!

2. When I was little I used to pretend that all of my dolls were being attacked by Jason or Freddy Krueger. Can you believe how morbid that sounds?!

3. I get cold way too easily!! 70 degrees and I’m yelling for the heater!!

4. When I was growing up I either dreamed to be Martha Stewart or Sean Yseult~ the bassist for White Zombie. How extreme is that?

5. Someday I wish to open a bakery/stationery boutique. Kind of like Ashton Kutcher did in the movie Valentine’s Day. Only his was a bakery/ Florist shop.

6. I use way too much Splenda.

 
 

the good. the bad. the unknown.

I have been told an uber amount of times that I talk too much. Or I talk for too long. Or that I could actually have eaten a whole watermelon in the amount of time it takes me to describe one. PLEASE!! I do none of the above… maybe other people just don’t talk enough. Maybe it’s everyone else who could use a few dramatic interpretations and pauses in their daily dialogues! On the topic of talking too much, I have wondered a few times since starting my blog this year, if I would ever regret a posting. Unfortunately my blog is like my Face Book page- there isn’t a delay between my thoughts and fingers. The Publish Immediately Button couldn’t lock up fast enough.


On the keyboard of life there is no delete key. The backspace is always an afterthought and the ESC key only works a part of the time. I would like to consider it’s all just a part of my manda’ness’. I have been speaking my mind since I could put a sentence together. I have kept a journal for as long I could spell. I have always documented my thoughts the good, the bad and the unknown.



Beautiful Crystal D.

 
 

in love with love.

I am well aware that today’s thoughts may seem a bit unorganized. I had a beautiful written post about love that I have been working on for the past couple of days. My words were brilliantly arranged and flowed so gracefully- and as if the world sought to cause me more grief for the week, I accidentally deleted the whole thing this morning at work! Seriously, I am considering the pen and paper method after this!

Someone wrote to me recently, that being “ 'in love with love’ really means you are in love with infatuation. That the notion is a schoolgirls fantasy and immature at its core. That it’s a shallow love and narcissistic in nature." Those words were shattering to read, because I feel that love comes in different forms for different people. Everyone loves so differently, I know sometimes we expect each other to love the same. The way we would individually. I admit I’m guilty as charged.Often, I forget the masses don’t weight in on the same scale as I. "The inability to be patient combined with neediness". I describe it best as passionate. Emotional. Irrational. Ridiculous. I love love. That’s who I am, and I am not going to change. I couldn’t if I tried. 
What about words of love? Words require analysis and explanations, we often wonder what do they really mean? Well, maybe they mean nothing. The words ‘ I love you’ when striped away may be worthless to one person and mean everything to another. To me they are the construction of my soul. My thoughts. My heart. I must tell Kaeley I love her 300 times a day, in person, on the phone, via text messaging- and she is only 8! I never want her to forget, or to wonder.

One of the reasons I love wedding photography is getting to see different forms of raw love. Hearing it, seeing it and experiencing it with others. For those 14 hours of photographing a wedding, love is all around. And the first look? When a bride and groom get to see each other before everyone else? I love peering from behind a lens and seeing this magical love first hand, before anyone, before their friends, before their family. Ahhh... the butterflies... the fireworks! So maybe I am in love with love...my own and with others. Afterall Its a beautiful thing!

let LOVE shine!!!

Some may say I'm a dreamer.

I think sometimes we all need something that brings us back to “us”, “you” “me” on our very greatest days. Maybe it’s my mind, maybe it’s the rainy weather lately, maybe it’s random, but it’s been a while since I have really been able to bring myself to a time when I felt I was the better “me”. For some it’s easy, maybe it’s a childhood memory, or a book they can’t put down, for some, an inspiring day at church. Recently, I have been thinking to better days. Worry free days. When my heart and soul could soar… and land peacefully rather than crash into the depths of despair. Sounds dramatic I’m sure… not unusual for me.


A long time ago, a dear friend of mine introduced me to the power of positive thinking, to meditation and to the realization of manifesting my greater good. As I trace back the steps in my life I can see that I have been doing this all along. Everything I have ever wanted (good and unfortunately bad) I have received.

However, lately I have not been passionate about bringing good into my nervous world, and I know it’s time for a change. My poor mind has been going crazy over the past year because I search and search and have yet to find the one thing that would be my own contribution to beautifying the world.

So.. Here’s to a day of comforting my sweet soul..and the heart that I can access on my greatest days.



Since every post is better with a photo... here ya go!

Thursday.

Most of my life I have known I was destined to do something artsy. Something I loved. Something creative. I remember being 10 and flipping through the pages of my Aunt’s fashion magazines or her make-up portfolio and imaging what it would be like on the other end of those photos…taking the pictures or preparing the models for their poses…or styling their outfits.


I remember 13 and obsessing over Martha Stewart the way other 13 year old girls obsessed over boys, or lip gloss. I loved crafts and I remember decorating my father’s poor house with black and white checkered wallpaper… re-upholstering our furniture, painting our walls blinding colors and ooh those Gypsy beads! He was so supportive! I couldn’t IMAGINE letting Kaeley create such a Jackson Pollack on my living room walls!

As a kid, HOPE seems so simple, our DREAMS seemed so reachable. Somehow and surprisingly I think they may be true to who we really are today. Except for then, our adult fears didn’t hold us back. I wanted to be Julia Roberts in the movie 'Stepmom'. A young cheeky photographer, who rolls up on the set, cool, collected and produces the next Gucci ad campaign! Ha!

When I think back, I loooooved making things… from mud pies in the backyard… to real pies in the kitchen. From messes to masterpieces I perfected the things I loved to make. Until one day, I was old enough, un-scathed by adult fears, I opened my catering business. It was hard, but it was something I enjoyed. No matter the back aches, burns or bruises the end result was soul satisfying. People were happy and they kept coming back. For me. For my food. For my creations. Thank you.

... and since every post is better with a picuture...

Thoughts to Live By.

"Do not waste your life, because life is there-all you have to do is reach out and embrace it. Anything is possible. Whatever your dream is, make it happen. Have courage. Start today. You will be amazed what life will give you in return for a little bit of courage."  Mathew Kelly.

Bestiest.

There are some people who are completely impressive. People who you make you think and love and feel... people you are so completely grateful for. I met her in the 7th grade, she was the first friend I ever called on the phone. She was the first person I ever spilled my guts too. She is absolutely amazing to me, not only because she is a loyal to die for friend, but she is also the hardest working mom around.


She is my bestiest (yes bestiest) friend and I LOVE ,LOVE, LOVE her!

Jamie… I have been thinking about you all day because I know you are in Florida right now. You may never read this post in your busy days… but I would like to say my friend, you are a gorgeous and strong woman! You have had your fair share over the past several years but girl you are here…not there…. anymore…. and I am so proud of you!

The picture is so I won’t forget how much fun we had our birthday weekend in Vegas. How we turned 30. How happy you were. How tan you got. How you met my brother and Dave for the first time. How much I adore you!

Rain and Opinions.

To start… the sun is poking its head through my raining day which is making me sad. I love the rain. I love the dark days. I want the sun to go back to sleep. Just like I would like the opinions of others to lay to rest as well.

Ohh 16 held such better days…like most rebellious teens I could have cared less about the opinions of others… good I was grateful and bad I blew off. I knew what I wanted, how I felt about myself and where I was going. I carried my vibe through until my early 20’s. Sometime after my arrival in California, I lost that. I was in the perfect state, with perfect weather, perfect looking people, a place where “you’ll never find the dance floor empty”… all this perfection, and yet I had none of it surrounding me. Every negative opinion tore away another piece of me. The years went on and then enough was enough.

Several months back, I promised myself once I turned 30, that those opinions would no longer be a factor in my life and how I will chose to run it.

Be my friend if you want to be my friend and don’t if you don’t.

You don’t like the color I chose to paint my daughters toe nails? Then don’t look.

You can’t understand why I won’t eat meat or dairy but I’ll carry Fendi?  hmmm... you must not own a ‘Fendi’.

You don’t like tattoos? You don’t have too.

You say you’re a better parent than me? Maybe you are and congratulations.

Until next time...!

                         





Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The Rebels.

The Forest.

I cringe at the thought of not posting in while. I had promised myself that I wouldn’t let life little trials and tribulations stop me… but it seems they have. I may sound like a freak with an over whelming amount of anxiety… but whenever I feel something slipping away, all I really know how to do is run faster and harder to get to what I want and “fix” the situation rather than view things in a series of steps. I wish to see the forest through the trees, but at most moments that is not the case.

I would love to know the secret that others seem to possess… the secret to breathing. The secret to a balanced life. The secret ability to relax into a sheer pleasure. Of course, I would also love for some to just accept me. Universally I am not alone on that notion. Well Internet, I intend to get through my “ish” for the day… and hopefully you get through yours. If we are lucky… and hopeful, we can meet back here tomorrow in better spirits.

Halloween is my top holiday… and in true Spirit I decided to give some of my favorite people a little Zombie make over using Photoshop techniques such as Dodging and Burning, Merging images, Color Balance, Saturation and Liquefy…Enjoy!

My little Rouge lighting zapping daughter !

My DAD!!! haahaa!